Promised Land
Part 1 (0:00-3:30):
Asuka: Whaaaaaat!? They're "extending our series run due to unexpected popularity"!?
Misato: Yup.
Asuka: Nobody told me about this!
Ritsuko: We just did.
Touji: We get called together for the first
time in a while and this is the
news we're treated to.
Kensuke: I was enjoying that long vacation after the series ended.
Fuyutsuki: Sadly our idle days are over.
Gendou: Indeed. Even the scheduling of
our first new episodes as been
finished.
Maya: They've already gone that far?
Makoto: To think that they spent so much
time giving us the green light to
start the series.
Kaji: It's a capitalist world.
Asuka: But why do we have to put up with
decisions made by some higher-ups
for profit!?
Misato: Economics is the foundation of society and our popularity is what puts our food on our tables!
Rei: It was said a long time ago: "Your
work and your popularity- never take
them for granted."
Ritsuko: Pushing your talents is a way to keep the worst at bay.
Misato: In this world where you can't count
on tomorrow, you should be
thankful that we even have a steady job.
Asuka: Well, that's true. This is better than lying in a hospital bed. Roger. Fine. Lets do it.
Rei: What's the situation?
Misato: Actually, we're really pressed for time.
Ritsuko: The script was actually due today,
and recording the voices has to
be finished by tonight.
All: (Exasperated panic)
Misato: So basically we need our ideas set by this evening.
Asuka: That's impossible!!
Misato: We don't have a choice! That's
what Mr. Ohtsuki from King Records
wants (and I OK'd it...) Just think of
this as the fate of a popular show.
Ritsuko: There's no use complaining about
something that's been set in
stone. The healthiest thing to do now
is look at the situation and accept it.
Asuka: Oh, but, c'mon!
Misato: No c'mons, what are you going to do, go on strike?
Ritsuko: The best thing to do now is to
figure out how to overcome this
crisis.
Maya: We can all work together to solve the problem!
Asuka: (Under her breath) Oh, please.
Touji: I guess we should've easily seen this coming.
Maya: Wow, kids these days are cynical.
Kensuke: I guess now what's left to do
is the systematic identification of
problem points, their analysis and evaluation,
followed by drawing out an
appropriate conclusion about the solution
thereof.
Maya: Wow, kids these days have matured!
Kensuke: Anyways, if we wish the recovery,
maintenance, then growth of our
popularity, the first thing begging consideration
is the return of you-know-who
to the show.
Misato: Oh, don't worry, I've already called him. (footsteps of you-know-who)
Kaoru: I'm Kaoru Nagisa. We meet again.
Asuka: Well hello, homo-boy.
Kaoru: I really wish you wouldn't make
statements when you lack evidence for
them. Oh, Sorry, I suppose the only things
you lack are restraint and brains.
Asuka: Oh, shut up!
Touji: She's just pissed 'cuz he can't deny it.
Asuka: Oh, what! As if YOU don't lack brains!?
Touji: Screw you! Have you noticed that you're also lacking breasts!?
Kaoru: Too bad you couldn't say the same for her gut.
Asuka: You guys just lack any sense of
warmth and empathy!
(Background erupts in everybody giving
their own stupid "lack" witticisms.)
Kensuke: You all lack supportiveness and teamwork.
Maya: We as a team lack time and funds.
Misato: (Frustrated grunt) And while we
all play this stupid "lack" fight,
our deadlines are drawing closer second
by second.
Makoto: This is what they call a "daipinchi" (big pinch) isn't it?
Shigeru: But restarting a series in such
short notice would be a legendary
feat. I'd say it's impossible.
Misato: Exactly. So I was thinking of just
changing the story direction
completely.
Ritsuko: It's been decided that the ideas
for the story
will now be drawn from a wider base than
just the writers.
Touji: So that's why we're really here.
Misato: Yup. I'm expecting fresh suggestions from you all.
Makoto: Well then the best new thing to push is obvious!
Fuyutsuki: Yes. Sex appeal.
Gendou: Absolutely. Mark it as our primary
battle plan.
Part 2 (3:30-5:27):
Misato: In other words, I'll have you two
debut all over again as the show's
"plug-chicks!"
Asuka: Plugchicks!?
Ritsuko: Here are the newly designed plugsuits.
Asuka: What the heck is this!? It'll show my panties completely!
Maya: These suits are definitely a blow to the head.
Ritsuko: You mean the crotch? They'll be
more appreciated by our audience
this way.
Misato: Oh they're fine! You guys are young! (Sound of plugsuits shrinking)
Asuka: On top of that, you can see where
the breast nubbins are, even what
color they are!
Ritsuko: You mean the nipples? You'll be
more appreciated by our audience
this way.
Misato: Oh they're fine! You guys are young!
Asuka: I don't care how young I am; a line has been crossed here.
Misato: Rei doesn't seem to have a problem.
Asuka: Oh, c'mon First, say something. You're a chaste princess, aren't you?
Rei: I don't mind. It comes with the job.
Asuka: You never change. You've always lacked lines and taste.
Rei: It doesn't matter. I don't have anything.
Asuka: Oh, come on! Just look at yourself!
If you tweaked the suit
a little they'd even see you-know-where,
(Does something) see!?
(Reaction from male cast members)
Kaoru: Shinji, what's wrong? You're bleeding
from the nose. (Blood drops hit
floor)
Touji: Well, you don't see you-know-what every day.
Kensuke: I don't blame him.
Asuka: On top of that, how's this!? (Suit
shrinks even more. More male
reactions.)
Ritsuko: Oh, hello Commander Ikari.
Fuyutsuki: What's wrong, Ikari? You're
bleeding from the nose. (Blood drops
hit floor)
Gendou: No, it's nothing.
Misato: Well, ah, I guess this might be stretching some morals.
Asuka: I told you. If this were TV there'd be digital blurring on us.
Rei: I don't mind. It comes with the job.
Asuka: Of course the teachers pet'll do anything you guys want her to.
Part 3 (5:27-7:08):
Misato: Ok, we'll get back to the sex appeal
issue. Let's move on to other
problems.
Asuka: Yes teacher! I know a problem!
Misato: Yes, Asuka?
Asuka: The main problem with our show is the main character I tell you.
Ritsuko: Shinji Ikari?
Asuka: Yes! Letting this brooding kid take
on the role of main character was
a
fundamental mistake. I mean he hasn't
said a word since we started working.
Can you really call this our main character?
Shinji: Oh... sorry.
Asuka: What are you, stupid!? That's your
first line!?
He shows no signs of regret, and there's
no way to change him.
He still thinks that the problem'll go
away if he apologizes.
Misato: Hmm.
Ritsuko: She has a point.
Fuyutsuki: Mm. So we change the main character.
Gendou: Yes. I've no qualms with that.
Shinji: What? Wait!
Asuka: Moving on from Stupid Shinji, next there's this girl.
Ritsuko: Rei Ayanami?
Asuka: Yup. On top of the main character
we've got gloominess personified.
We've got to do something about Puppet
Girl.
Fuyutsuki: But she's always number one in the popularity polls.
Gendou: I've no qualms with her.
Asuka: And that's what I can't figure out!
She has few appearances and fewer
lines.
She has the easy job of just standing
in the corner of the frame and she
gets all the votes.
She's like a pull-string doll, she goes
(imitating Rei's voice)
"Fine, do so" or "Oh, that's nice" or
"Bye" AND THAT'S ALL SHE EVER SAYS!!
Shinji: Asuka, that's all you ever say these days.
Asuka: Will you shut up?
Ritsuko: But again, she has a point.
Misato: Hmmm, if our posterchild started
saying some lines,
maybe she'd become even more popular.
Fuyutsuki: It's worth a try.
Gendou: Yes.
Ritsuko: But under the circumstances we
can't afford such a high risk
change.
Misato: Lets just go for the fail-safe
cliche, the high school love comedy.
Part 4 (7:08-8:12):
(School bell chimes)
Asuka (In a mock gangster (yakuza) voice
and dialect):
Are you the transfer student, Ayanami
Rei?
Rei: Yes. Probably the third.
Asuka: To pass before I, Asuka-sama, the
school bully, without a word or
greeting,
you are a brave one.
Rei: Sure. I don't know.
Asuka: Should I throw a hard one into you as punishment...?
Rei: Do so.
Asuka: Couldn't you just talk more? You're pissing me off!
Rei: I may talk?
Asuka: If you can, go ahead.
Rei: (Deep breath) I've been listening
all this time with you going off and
carrying on
and what am I supposed to say now? Here
you are all jealous just because you
get half my votes
in the (Evangelion character) popularity
polls, I mean really if all you
have is youth and
energy you'll be limited in whatever you
do. (Maya cuts in here with the
lines shown below)
I'll teach you that cute looks won't get
you everywhere...
with some physical education-(slapping
Asuka) slap slap slap slap slap slap
slap slap...
Maya: Um... this doesn't really come off
as a love comedy... more like a
schoolyard gang drama.
Misato: You don't say.
Ritsuko: But the problem isn't that.
Fuyutsuki: -This isn't good.-
Gendou: Mm. It's not the plot that needs
changing. That isn't my Rei out
there.
Rei: ...slap slap slap. ... "Anta-baka"
"Anta-baka." You're the baka. Hm.
...Ahh, much better.
Part 5 (8:12-9:29):
Misato: So we're keeping Rei as she is.
Ritsuko: But we are in a monotone and dangerous
slump.
Isn't there some radical new idea
that can break the pattern?
Asuka: Herehere! I've got just such a superawesome good idea!
Misato: What is it, Asuka?
Asuka: A sentai show!
All: A sentai show!?
Asuka: Yes! It already has a 40 year history,
with a proud heritage in
special effects.
Doing a sentai show would be the best
way to go!
Shinji: But nowadays only children and otaku watch them.
Asuka: What are you, stupid? That's what
I'm going after.
In addition to the big grownups we'll
have the little kiddies
and it'd be a textbook example of killing
two birds with one stone! Our
popularity would double!
Misato: Huh!
Ritsuko: She has a point.
Asuka: Luckily we do have five pilots, so everything's already set.
Shinji: Um, who's going to be the main character?
Asuka: Well of course the leader has to
be the one wearing red, the color of
justice.
Kaoru: It can't be me?
Asuka: What are you talking about? It's
always been that the red one's the
leader; it's a law!
Touji: She suggested the sentai idea just so she could be the leader.
Asuka: God, you're nitpicky for a boy.
There's no reason to wait; let's do
it.
Part 6 (9:29-11:40):
(Translator's note: A parody of the formulaic
sentai genre,
here there's always 5 people in different
colored nylon suits battling
aliens, e.g. Power Rangers)
An energetic Asuka and mumbling Rei, Shinji,
Touji and Kaoru:
Shinsentai (as opposed to "shinseiki")
Evangelion!
(cheesy explosions and Angel's grumblings)
Misato: A new angel has arrived! All members, scramble!
Asuka: Roger! Everyone! Let's go!
Rei, Shinji, Touji, and Kaoru (unmotivated and uncoordinated): Roger.
(More cheesy angel grumblings)
Asuka: Halt! Her suit color is the crimson
of Justice! Representing effort
and hardiness,
Second Red!
Her suit color is as blank as her brain, mute and stagnant, First White!
Rei: I don't mind. She comes with the job.
Asuka: His suit color is the blue of depression!
A hard-core baka, the
antisocial Third Blue!
Shinji: Can't run away.
Asuka: His suit color is the green of his
Kansai accent (I don't get it-
Translator)
A hot-headed epicure, Fourth Green!
Touji: Can I get down now?
Asuka: His suit color is the black of passive-aggressiveness,
narcissistic
to the core,
Fifth Black!
Kaoru: Songs are nice.
Asuka: Cutting a path through this severe
era, we're Shinsentai Evangelion!
...
Ha! Prog Blade! (yet more cheesy sounds
of battle) Palette Blaster! (Boom,
smash)
Misato: Oh no, Asuka's hogging the show.
Ritsuko: How are the results of the research?
Makoto: Not good. The ratings haven't budged an inch.
Maya: No complaint phonecalls.
Shigeru: The fax is still silent.
Misato: In other words, nobody's watching.
Fuyutsuki: We'll have to do a re-take.
Gendou: Mm.
Part 7 (11:40-13:24):
Misato: I guess this means that people
just aren't looking for another
sentai show these days.
Ritsuko: I think we went wrong when we
adopted an institution without making
any changes of our own. We've learned
our lesson.
Asuka: (mumbling) Oh, what's wrong with it, as long as some people like it?
Misato: So our attempt at radical change
failed, but if we don't change
something we're finished.
Ritsuko: If we don't change something we'll
just thin out and die away like
a candle flame.
Shinji: Um...what about taking in our viewers
opinions and using
them...for...um, ideas...?
Kaoru: A fabulous idea. Very good, Shinji.
Maya: So we'll be walking step by step with the trends of the times.
Asuka: But if you spend all your time listening
to the viewers you'll never
make anything good.
Misato: We haven't a choice now. There's
no worth to a product that doesn't
sell.
Ritsuko: (Papers rustling) Misato-sansa, how about this?
Misato: Hmm? Let's see. (reading letter)
"Why is it that although the Evas
are giant robots,
they can't transform or combine? That's
boring"!?
Asuka: (Claps hands together) Of course!
Shigeru: He has...
Maya: ...a point.
Makoto: But how are we going to get them to transform all of a sudden?
Asuka: I know! First, we have them get completely creamed once.
Makoto: And then we interrupt it with a
commercial or end the episode,
then introduce the change.
Ritsuko: I see, a fundamental overhaul
of the mechas in the middle of the
series...
also known as the "power up"...
Misato: Didn't we already change the Model Zero once?
Asuka: That was nothing! All we did was
change the colors a bit!
We're talking something much bigger here.
Shinji: What's wrong with the Eva's we have now?
Asuka: You never cease to amaze me with
your ultradenseness. T
here's nothing as untrendy as a giant
robot nowadays that can't even fly.
Ritsuko: It doesn't even have enough weapons
for us to be able to sell
weapon
sets independently of the toy robots.
Fuyutsuki: So we'll have the Evas transform
and combine, and introduce new
power-up parts.
Gendou: I have no qualms.
Part 8 (13:24-15:30):
Misato: Are all three units ready? The
time has come for us to try the new
transform/combine system. We're counting
on you!
Asuka: Leave it to us! You better be ready, Shinji.
Shinji: Ah, yeah. Transforming.... uh, Eva...Jet. (Big transforming sounds)
Maya: Amazing! The Eva-1 transformed from
Japan's number one export, a
sedan, to a jumbo jet!
Asuka: CHAAAAAANGE! EVA...TRAIN! SWITCH-ONNN!!!
(More big transformation
sounds,
along with the sound of a cross-country
train)
Shigeru: Whoa, the Eva-2 changed from the
symbol of modern engineering, the
Tokyo Tower,
to an Eagle Bullet Train!!
Rei: Change, Eva Ship. (More sounds)
Makoto: Yes! The Eva-zero changed from
the epitome of maritime technology,
the oil tanker Idemitsu-maru, to a general
purpose warship!
Asuka: Get ready to combine!!
Rei, Shinji: Roger.
Asuka, Rei, Shinji: The three become one! Evangelion II!! (More sounds)
Shigeru: My god, the three units combined
to form a giant robotic replica of
Akebono,
the sumo wrestler!
Asuka: On top of this, depending on the
order and method of combination,
it can turn into the famous make-out spot,
Rainbow Bridge,
or one of the construction wonders of
the world, the Kurion Dam,
or even all 53.85 kilometers of the Seikan
Tunnel!!
Misato: Like a phoenix from the ashes,
the Evas have been reborn as the
embodiment of
every toy manufacturer's fantasy!
Asuka: Evangelion II, GO!! (sounds) Broadsword, giant slash! (Angel sounds)
Ritsuko: So, how does the market research look?
Maya: Not good.
Ritsuko: What's wrong with this?
Part 9 (15:30-16:17):
Misato: So issue here is the enemy, then.
Asuka: Of course it is! Who are we gonna
fight anyway? We killed the last
angel in episode 24!
Kaworu: Are you referring to me?
Asuka: Oh, you're still here? Why don't you just be a bad guy again?
Kaworu: No; to play traitor to my kind
and convert to the forces of good,
joining your side as an ally, all in the
name of love, such is the dramatic
role allotted to
tragics like myself. Especially for beautiful
tragics like myself.
Rei: Stay then.
Ritsuko: We haven't much time. Lets organize our situation.
Maya: One problem that's plagued us is
that what the angels -were- was never
really clear.
Fuyutsuki: They were rather mysterious and nobody really got them, did they?
Gendou: No. That would be our problem.
Misato: So our focus is to solve that somehow.
Asuka: I know! How about if we have them
introduce themselves?
Part 10 (16:17-17:32):
<Ominous music>
Scary Voice: I am from Mars, one of the
"BlackGod"-ian race.
Foolish humans; I shall kill you all with
the Space Angels under my power!
<Cheesy sci-fi space explosions>
Asuka: See! Now the enemy's identity, goals,
and organization are clear as
day!
Makoto: Clear as polished glass.
Misato: So instead of using the word "eradicate"
as we've been doing,
we should've just said "kill them all,"
huh.
Asuka: So all we have to do is introduce
an second wave of soldiers from
this guy.
Ritsuko: We keep the designs the same and
just use a different color
palette.
Another Scary Voice: I am no weakling BlackGod!
I have come here from the Great Black
Hole, via the White Hole express,
and I am the SpaceBlackGod!!! Using the
Disc Angels under my command I shall
kill you all!
<some more sci-fi sounds>
Asuka: And so our story shifts locations to outer space!
Makoto: The backgrounds will certainly be easier to draw that way.
Some animator: And instead of making the
robots walk we can just drag still
images of them across the camera. It'd
save our production costs.
Misato: Nice, Asuka!
Fuyutsuki: Absolutely perfect.
Gendo: Absolutely.
Part 11 (17:33-end):
Ritsuko: I can think of only one other
must-have ingredient for a series'
longevity...
Misato: Animals, of course. Animals! We
need the mascot characters to
contribute more.
Shinji: Like maybe if Pen-Pen learns to speak Japanese.
Rei: Good idea.
Ritsuko: Alright then, lets have Pen-pen perform some lines.
Pen-Pen: And about goddamn time too! Here
I am, sitting beside you all
through the whole meeting;
how dare you ignore me up until just now!?
The all the currents of the times
are pointing to
us penguins, penguins, penguins I tell
you! Just pop me on a TV screen and
you'll get high school chicks from the
four corners of the earth swarming
it,
screaming "He's so cute!" I'll lay down
the marketing plan see, first we...
Misato: Oh, god, Asuka stop him!
Asuka: Uh, wai... Hold on there, ya little...
(sounds of struggle, Pen-Pen screams,
loses ability to speak Japanese.
Standard NERV control room alarms and
buzzers start going off.)
Fuyutsuki: We haven't any time left!
Misato: Lets wrap this up.
Maya: What else could we possibly add?
Hyuga: Action, of course, action left and
right, brain-numbing action is
the...
Misato: As a woman I've gotta push the
trendy drama series idea; It's got
trendiness,
and drama; how can any adult resist?
Rei: Feeling... regret...
Asuka: NERV gets destroyed in the first new episode.
Aoba: Develop old characters and introduce new ones.
Fuyutsuki: How about a serial mystery series?
Hyuga: We'll develop a static and detailed internal universe!
Asuka: The Eva Brothers!
Touji: A story about the Naniwa Burglar!
(A Kansai folk tale. Couldn't possibly
fit into Evangelion.)
Or a blood-sweat-n'-tears sports saga
would be cool too.
Ritsuko: Didn't you say you liked Kansai themes, Asuka?
Asuka: (In a Kansai dialect) Don't you
start grouping Kobe and Osaka
together.
Kaoru: All of these still lack a certain grace.
Asuka: I told you to shut up, homoboy!
Ritsuko: We could center the story around a single woman innkeeper.
Maya: We are set in a hot-spring area after all.
Asuka: And market the show with lots of bathing scenes?
Rei: Feeling... regret...
Aoba: The meteoric rise and tragic fall
of a university hospital surgeon
with too much ambition.
Hyuga: The show needs a sweaty dose of macho!
Asuka: What it needs is song, singing,
a musical! The vocalized pangs of the
heart!
(Proceeds to demonstrate with extemporaneous
song.)
Maya: But all of these will take up far
too much time and stacks of
celluloid.
Ritsuko: That kind of service to the fans will ultimately ruin us.
(A brief moment of verbal chaos as the
characters continue to spout the
virtues of their ideas)
Fuyutsuki: This isn't good; we aren't approaching any conclusion.
Aoba: We might as well stop and take a vote here.
Hyuga: No; I don't think we even have time
for that; especially if we mess
up the counting.
Ritsuko: We have to bring it to the studio in less than a few minutes.
Misato: We need to slice this knot with a definitive decision.
Asuka: I've got it! We'll do a "sound-only anime!"
All: "Sound-only anime"!?
Asuka: Yup. As soon as the show begins,
there's a blackout. That way, the
screen can be blank,
we can use a black plastic sheet for the
background, and we won't have to
paint a single cel.
Misato: Huh! I see!
Asuka: On top of that, if we have the actors
make all the sound effects and
s
ing the background music, we can take
out the whole dubbing process,
and get more salary to boot, three birds
with one stone!
If something's still vague, we'll spell
it out in the narration.
Fuyutsuki: We haven't much choice; what the hell, we'll do that.
Gendo: Yes.
(The actors a capella a condensed version
of the first episode,
complete with an angel appearing amidst
the sounds of cicadas and sirens,
being bombarded by the U.N, then being
pounded to death by a howling Eva
that appears with sung musical accompaniment.
There's a kazoo in there
somewhere too.)
Misato: (in character) My god, the Eva-01 beat an angel! (Telephones ring.)
Maya: We're being flooded by complaints.
Aoba: The fax machine's not spewing any praise either.
Maya: We're being overloaded, we can't handle this input!
Hyuga: The ratings meter is lower than
its ever been; in fact, the exact
reading is off the meter!
Shinji: Argh...
Ritsuko: It's shameful.
Fuyutsuki: We should induce brain stem rejection; no, let's just cut it off.
Gendo: Yes.
(Sound of us being unplugged.)
End